FOR ANYONE DOUBTING WHAT HAPPENED

Was it abuse or assault?

If you're even asking this question, your instincts are already telling you something. Your feelings are information. You don't need proof, and you don't need to name it before you get support.

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BEFORE YOU READ ON

Trust your gut.

You don't need a checklist to end a relationship, a friendship, or a job. You don't need "proof" to feel unsafe. The list below is here to help you name what happened — not to test you.

SECTION 01

What abuse or assault can look like.

Not every situation looks the same. Skim the groups below and stop at any that feel close to yours. Even one item can be enough.

Physical

Any unwanted touch, grabbing, hitting, pushing or restraining.
Blocking your exit from a room, car, or house.
Throwing things at you or breaking your belongings.
Hurting a pet as a way of hurting you.
Any of the above when they were "just drunk", "in a mood", or "didn’t really mean it".

Sexual

Kissing, touching or undressing you without a clear yes.
Carrying on after you said no, went quiet, or froze.
Removing a condom, or agreeing to use one and then not doing so.
Sending, sharing or demanding intimate images — or threatening to.
Pressuring, badgering or wearing you down until you agreed.
Anything sexual with you while you were asleep, unconscious, or too drunk / drugged to choose.

Emotional & verbal

Name-calling, ridicule, humiliation — in private or in front of others.
Silent treatment or withdrawing affection to punish you.
Telling you what happened didn’t happen, or that you’re "too sensitive" ("gaslighting").
Threats — to hurt you, hurt themselves, take the children, out you, or ruin your reputation.

Coercive control

Deciding what you wear, who you see, when you leave the house.
Checking your phone, messages or receipts — with or without your knowledge.
Isolating you from friends, family or work.
Making you account for every hour of your day.
Punishing you — with anger, silence or withdrawal — when you push back.

Financial

Controlling how much money you can spend, or on what.
Running up debt in your name, or refusing to let you have your own account.
Sabotaging your job — turning up, ringing your workplace, making you late.
Stopping you from working or studying.

Digital

Tracking your location without your agreement.
Reading your messages, emails or search history.
Demanding your passwords — or having them "just in case".
Monitoring your social media, or making you post, delete or unfollow.
Ringing or texting many times a day to "check on you".

Someone in a position of trust

A teacher, tutor, coach, doctor, therapist, faith leader, youth worker, carer or boss.
Anything sexual, romantic or overly personal — even if you agreed at the time.
Gifts, favours or secrets that made you feel special or singled out.
Meetings that "had to be private", messaging outside working hours, closed doors.

SECTION 02

The thoughts that stop people naming it.

Almost every survivor has thought at least one of these. They are quiet, and they are strong. Here is a gentler answer to each.

“But they said sorry.”
Sorry doesn’t undo it. Hurt-and-apologise cycles are the classic pattern of abuse.
“But I was drunk.”
Too drunk to choose means you didn’t consent. Alcohol removes capacity, not responsibility from the other person.
“But we’re in a relationship.”
Being together isn’t standing consent. Every act still needs agreement, freedom and capacity — every time.
“But they never hit me.”
Hitting isn’t the threshold. Coercive control, emotional abuse and financial abuse all cross the line.
“But I laughed / went along with it.”
Freeze and fawn are trauma responses — not consent. Complying to survive is still surviving.
“But nothing physical happened.”
Emotional harm is real harm. You are allowed to name it, and to leave because of it.
“But it was only once.”
Once is enough. Naming what happened isn’t a scale you have to fill.
“But they said they love me.”
Love and harm are not opposites. Someone can care about you and still cross a line.
“But nobody will believe me.”
You do not need anyone else to believe you before you get support. Specialist services believe survivors as a matter of practice.

If any of this matches, it wasn't your fault, and you are allowed to name it.
You are believed. Take the next step at your own pace.

WHERE TO NEXT

Consent — what it means in UK law Domestic abuse — the calm guide If you're thinking about reporting (SV)Specialist UK helplines

SOURCES & FURTHER READING

This page is a plain-language guide, not legal advice. For advice about your own situation, please speak to a specialist ISVA, IDVA, Rape Crisis centre or solicitor.